Brando

Now, I wrote about this before.

You’ve seen it.  Some shiny brat playing with a live frog in his mams spotless kitchen… (Honestly. What tool allows their kid to bring a frog in the house?)

The No-Touch Handwash System – But This time they’ve made it better… They‘ve made it look nice – so it matches your shiny kitchen.

We all know that mothers up and down the country are pissing themselves with worry about lurking germs – Arming themselves to the teeth for ‘The War on Bacteria’.

Why?

Kids are supposed to eat germs. It builds their immune systems. It makes them stronger and healthier. When I was a kid germs were a major part of my diet. One of my five a day.

I wasn’t allowed to have chewing gum (apparently if you swallowed it would wrap itself around your guts and you would implode or something.)

So what did I do? I scraped it off the ground and ate it. Yeah, someone else’s spat-out gum flattened on the street.

And if my mother saw me chewing it? I’d panic. And yep. I’d swallow it. Yummy germs.

My brother ate dirt. And slugs. (He has since bought a house in France.)

Every kid on the road was piggy dirty. And we got a bath on saturday whether we needed it or not.

We caught everything going.

“Mam, I feel sick…” was usually answered by either,  “Take a disprin and let a few farts” Or “What exam have you got in school today?”

As far as I can remember there was nobody on our road with an inhaler or a nut allergy. Okay, one or two kids had turney eyes and heavy glasses. But we were strong and healthy kids.

Back to the war on bacteria. I’m all on for cleaner hospitals and to be honest I‘m not happy with some bastard sneezing at me on the bus. I wouldn’t like Legionnaires and I’m no fan of Anthrax. I’ll fight that stuff.

But now I’m supposed to shit myself because the effing soap dispenser could be germy.

And the all new weapon in the war on bacteria is a No-touch antibacterial gunge dispenser that now matches your sink. Brilliant!

“Fact. Your soap pump can harbour hundreds of bacteria…“

Fuck off you’re kidding.

Now, tell me if  I’m mad here… But the only time I come into contact with a ‘germy’ soap pump is just moments before I wash my hands.

I push down the nozzle. Out comes the lethal ooze. Wash wash wash. Germs dead. Fact.

Yes. Those same germs that were on the germy soap pump just got washed off my hands. I washed my fucking hands AFTER I dispensed the soap!

And I have never patted my soap pump on the head to congratulate it afterwards.

All that pointless packaging. Movement sensors. Plastic mouldings. Fuel & Delivery costs. And now a new improved shiny bit of tat stuck on.

For what?

To scare the bejeebers out of new mothers. To deny our kids the chance to flex their immune systems. And to fuck up the environment with useless plastic mouldings. That’s what.

This product is dumber than dirt.

And if you have one in your spotless laboratory of a kitchen. I suggest you dispose of it in your spotless shiny bin and let your little nosepickers get scrapping with the bugs.

New improved No-Touch Handwash Systems.

Still Bollocks.